


It Was Never Just Fun

by bestkeptsecret_biggestmistake



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 08:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1738784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestkeptsecret_biggestmistake/pseuds/bestkeptsecret_biggestmistake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael thinks having a friends with benefits arrangement with his crush might not have been the best idea</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was Never Just Fun

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the most over-the-top angsty mess i've ever posted. (Some of the dialogue and the title taken from the song Don't by ed sheeran).  
> Also, I do not wish for my works to be reproduced, reposted (credited or otherwise, original or altered) on any other site or medium. If you are from wattpad here to verify my claims my wattpad user name is zarryzarrysauce.

      "So where's your boyfriend?" Luke cooed from the hotel bathroom.

   "He's not my boyfriend," Michael blushed from his spot on Luke's bed. He continued to stare at the game he was playing on the TV.

      "Sure," Luke scoffed. "So where's you're not-boyfriend tonight?"

   Michael sighed and paused his game. He hated trying to talk and play at the same time, but he'd stolen Luke's room to force him to keep Michael company. The least he could do was talk to him.

   "Some sort of party with those girls from the restaurant. I think they dm'd him about it earlier," Michael said flopping back on the bed. He hadn't wanted to go to the party or anything, but it would've been cool if Calum had at least invited him.

      "You're acting weird," Luke said walking out of the bathroom. His eyes scanned over Michael like he was analyzing him. "Are you jealous?" 

   "Jealous? Jealous?! Why would I be jealous?" Michael rambled.

      "Just wondering," Luke shrugged digging a clean pair of shorts from his suitcase.

   "Well we're _just_ friends so stop wondering," Michael huffed. He threw in a dry chuckle when he realized how contrary his words sounded.

      "Alright alright," Luke held his hands up in surrender. "Just making sure you're okay."

   "I'm fine," Michael said checking his phone. "I'd be even better if room service would hurry the fuck up. It's been like three hours since we ordered."

      "It's been five minutes, Mikey," Luke corrected.

   "It feels like five hours," Michael grumped. "I don't even want steak anymore."

      "Call and cancel it then you big baby. We can order a pizza instead," Luke face planted on his bed.

   "Oh Lukey," Michael trilled flopping onto Luke's back. "You're my hero," he said peppering what he could reach of Luke's face with sloppy kisses.

      "Stop," Luke whined hiding his smile in the mattress. "You're boyfriend would kill me if he saw us right now."

   "Shut up," Michael pinched him fondly. "He's not my boyfriend."

   Even Luke's hum of a response managed to sound sarcastic.

   Michael let it slide. He planned on holding Luke hostage until Calum got back and either invited him to his room or came knocking at Michael's door, so he held back the witty reply that would have Luke sending him packing for the night. They'd been doing it for months now, him and Calum. The whole friends with benefits things. Calum had been the one to initiate it, climbing into Michael’s bunk three nights after they started their world tour. He'd snuggled in close to Michael and whispered in his ear with the proposition. They were young, they had needs, and what were a few orgasms between friends anyways? They were going to be on the road more often than not, why not hook up with each other instead of random girls they couldn't trust? Michael had quickly agreed.  Having someone else was always better than getting off alone. So what if he'd had a crush on Calum since year six, he could totally handle it.

   It'd become routine for them when they stayed in hotels along the way; leave their suitcases in their respective rooms that the label paid for but spend the night together.

   Michael looked at his phone, sighing a little when there were no new texts. It was late. Normally by this time he would've already gotten off, would be spooning Calum and talking about the show, or life, or whatever else Calum wanted to talk about in the ten minutes of post-sex consciousness he had before his eyes drifted shut and his soft snores ended the conversation.

   Michael always stayed awake longer; he liked to watch Calum sleep. He felt creepy when he thought about it too much but he really couldn't help it. When he had Calum wrapped in his arms he knew he had to appreciate it. Not that he was in love or anything, it was just, Calum was so fit and could get anyone he wanted and yet he chose to spend his nights with Michael. Michael thought it wasn't something to not cherish.

   "Think I’ll head back," Michael announced throwing down his controller. He was more grumpy than tired but it was 2 am and Luke looked like he was about to fall asleep.

     "Alright," Luke yawned standing up. "Let me walk you to your room."

   Michael huffed in annoyance but accepted it as inevitability. Luke was too nice, always insisting he couldn't sleep until he knew the boys were all safe in their rooms. He unhooked his gaming system from Luke's TV before leading the way back to his room. Michael felt himself more annoyed as they headed down to the floor where he and Calum both had rooms. It was a shitty night, he decided. He was pretty sure he wasn't getting off tonight and the walk to his room was stupid long and it was really all just too much.

 "Stop it." A distinctly feminine giggle was heard. "You're so naughty."

   Michael hugged his gaming system tighter to his chest. He really hoped it wasn't a fan, he didn't know how well he'd be able to fake a smile tonight.

       "Just for you, baby."

   Michael froze at the voice. It had whispered the same thing in his ear before, between thrusts into him and moans of his name hot on his neck. He and Luke stared wide eyed at the scene in front of them as they rounded the corner. Calum had a girl pressed up against his hotel door, grinding his hips into hers while he kissed her neck.

   Michael felt the world crumbling around him as he realized how completely gone he was for Calum. Michael felt dumb for not realizing it before, how completely he was in love with his best friend. He realized he'd all but worn a blinking sign with a declaration of his love on it.

   "Oh my god," Michael didn't realize he'd spoken out loud until all eyes were on him. Calum stared at him, expression unreadable.

       "Hey," Calum said dumbly.

   "Oh my god," Michael repeated as he whipped out his key card and tried to open his door. He wasn't going to cry, he repeated it like a mantra in his head as he fumbled with the door. No one said anything as he slipped into his room.

   Michael stripped off his clothes and stumbled to the bathroom, eyes blurred with tears. He pulled out his phone and pulled up the music app playing the first song he could find and turning the volume as loud as it would go. He stepped in the shower and turned the water all the way to hot. He scrubbed at his skin until it went red. Like if he scrubbed hard enough he could rinse off every time Calum had ever touched him, could let the love he'd harbored for him wash off him and flow down the drain. He sank to the floor and let the spray of the shower hit him as he began to cry.

   He felt dirty and used. Seeing Calum hooking up with someone, hooking up with some random girl; it made Michael feel worthless. Which was stupid, Michael knew it was stupid. They weren't dating, Calum wasn't his boyfriend; it shouldn't make Michael feel like this. Like an experiment, like he was just a hole to fuck until something better came along.

   Michael let his head thump back against the wall of the shower, eyes closed tight as the hot water turned cool. He cried even harder when he realized he couldn't even hate Calum, couldn't really wish away the day they met because even though his heart was broken it was still worth it to have held Calum like he was his, even if only for a little while.

 

 

 

     When Michael woke up the next morning he was in bed. He kept his eyes closed as he blindly sought out Calum's body heat. When he remembered the night before, realized he was still alone, Michael groaned and rolled onto his stomach. He remembered crawling out of the shower the night before and shivering as he pulled on his baggiest clothes. He knew they would make him sweat in the night, but it felt like another layer between him and the world. So he'd kept them on, burrowing under the covers and crying himself to sleep.

   He felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes again as sunlight filled the room. He sniffed and sat up in bed wiping away the few that fell. He was determined; he wasn't going to be sad. He didn't have a right to be. Calum was just his friend; Michael didn't have any claim on him.

   Michael grabbed his phone from the nightstand and turned it on. He tried giving himself a pep talk while he waited. He was Michael fucking Clifford. Girls all around the world wanted him. Even guys, famous guys, had made passes at him. He wasn't worthless. If Calum wanted to hook up with random people instead of Michael, Michael would be fine with it. He'd make himself be fine with it.

   Michael ignored his texts in favor of checking twitter. He replied to a few dms, followed a few people and scrolled through his mentions. He replied to a few of the racier ones, feeling a little spiteful and hoping Calum would see them and get jealous.

   When he finally checked his texts he sighed, noting none were from Calum. He replied to Luke first, letting him know he was fine before doing the same with Ashton. Michael got dressed as he tried to sort out his thoughts. He was an adult, he'd agreed to this whole friend with benefits thing, he could handle the consequences of it, could act like everything was fine.

   His thoughts were interrupted by a knock. As he opened the door he heard Luke start talking.

     "Alright Michael, I'm not gonna let you mope around all day. It’s already past one, get some clothes on and-oh," he stopped when he realized Michael hadn't taken residence in his pajamas.

   "I'm ready," Michael said going to get his hotel key and joining Luke at the door.

     "Oh," Luke repeated thrown off by the lack of fight put up. He'd been ready to drag a kicking and screaming Michael out if a cocoon of blankets and throw him into the shower. "Okay, yeah, let's go." 

     Michael just nodded. His lack of teasing was enough to alert Luke to how serious the situation still was. Michael stayed close to Luke, hands firmly placed in his jacket pockets and shoulders hunched in all the way to a diner that advertised the world’s best pancakes.

     He followed Luke to a booth in the back, going so far as to let Luke order for him. He wasn't all that hungry, but he was convinced he could make himself act normal. That if he acted fine then he would be. When the food came he picked at it until Luke had had enough.

     "Will you just talk to me instead of brooding?" Luke asked.

   "I'm not brooding," Michael mumbled letting his fork clatter against the plate. "It's just; I'm just really mad at myself."

      "Wait, why are you mad at yourself? It's Calum you should be pissed at." Luke practically growled.

   "It's not his fault," Michael said staring at his plate. "We're not together or anything. We never said we were exclusive. I wasn't looking for a promise or commitment. I'm not dumb I knew he wasn't going to get down on one knee and like, propose to me." Michael paused and cleared his throat. "But it was never just fun, or it wasn’t just that for me. I thought he was different. That maybe he felt like I did."

     “Did you ever try telling him how you felt?” Luke asked.

   “Nah,” Michael let out a forced laugh. “That would’ve just fucked things up. Well, I guess I managed to do that anyways.”

   Michael angrily swiped at the tears that managed to escape.

    "Hey," The sternness in Luke's voice caused Michael to look up. "I'm serious," Luke said. "This isn't your fault. What Calum did was a dick move. I know you're in love with him, he had to too. Even if you guys hadn't discussed it, it was really shitty of him to do something like that."

    Michael shrugged in response.

   “It is what it is,” He said picking up his fork and eating again.  He wasn’t any hungrier than before, but having a mouthful of food prevented further conversation. Luke accepted the silence, choosing to finish his food as well.

   On the walk back to the hotel Luke refused to let go of Michael’s hand, swinging it between them while he talked about their upcoming show. In the hotel elevators Luke drew Michael in for a quick hug.

     “Do you want me to run interference until you work out what you’re gonna say to Calum?” He asked.

   “No,” Michael said wiggling out of the hug after a moment. “I’ll be fine. I am fine. I don’t think I need to talk to him about it.”

     “Michael-” Luke began.

   “It’s fine. Just drop it,” Michael said stepping out onto his floor.  He walked the rest of the way to his room alone, cherishing the few minutes of not having to pretend he was okay.  He thought about letting a few tears go when he rounded the corner. Seeing Calum in front of his door made him hesitate for a minute.

       “Hey,” Calum said after a pause.

   “Hey,” Michael replied digging his room card out.

       “These are for you,” Calum said thrusting a bouquet under Michael’s nose.

   “They’re nice,” Michael said. “But I’m still allergic.”

        “Shit, I’d forgotten,” Calum stuttered tossing the flowers away from them. “So um, about last night…”

   “What about it?” Michael asked opening the door.

      “I’m really sorry that you uh, that you had to see… that,” Calum stuttered rubbing his hands on his jeans.

   “Don’t worry about it,” Michael said with a straight face.  He took in the dark circles under Calum’s eyes, probably from lack of sleep, his messy hair, probably from that girl running her hands through it last night. Maybe even this morning. He pushed down the wave of nausea that turned in his stomach.

       “Oh, I thought you might be like, upset or whatever?” Calum fiddled with his ring.

   “Why would I be?” Michael asked, leaving the _‘of course I am you fucking idiot I’m in love with you’_ unsaid.

       “Oh,” Calum paused. “Well that’s a good thing then, right? As long as we’re okay?”

   “We’re fine,” Michael said opening his door.

       “Can I come in?” Calum asked, coughing to cover the crack in his voice.

   “I’m going to take a nap,” Michael lied.

       “Need a cuddle bug?” Calum wiggled his eyebrows.

   “There’s really no room, the beds here are too small,” Michael protested.  “I’ll just see you on the way to the show.”

   Michael closed the door and waited for the sound of retreating steps.  He had to wait a minute before he heard them, releasing his held breath when he did.  He shuffled over to his bed and flopped down on it, feeling like the worst kind of trash for deliberately blowing Calum off. It wasn’t that he was mad at Calum; he couldn’t blame him for not wanting to be his boyfriend. He just didn’t know how he could be around Calum right now and act normal. 

   Groaning he rolled over onto his back.  Realizing he wasn’t going to escape his thoughts any time soon he hoisted himself up and decided to get ready for the show.  Two hours later he was in a taxi on his way to the venue, still not ready to deal with being around Calum.  He’d thought about taking a van with the rest of the boys but when he imagined Calum choosing a seat away from him, or worse, sitting halfway in Michael’s lap like nothing had happened; he’d decided riding alone was safer.  He managed to finish getting everything he had to do squared away before the other boys arrived and began their sound check. By the time the others made it to the dressing room Michael was blaring Greenday and bouncing around to the beat.

   Michael was thankful for the way they all fit together, as friends and a band before anything else.  Even though the tension was still there, they all loved what they did so much they could push it away for a while. Michael played air guitar with Luke while Ashton and Calum wrestled over a bandana in the floor. Michael’s playlist started transitioning into Nickelback, letting the boys know it was almost show time.  They began to get hyped up, making their way toward the stage belting out lyrics as they went. Michael focused on the roar of the crowd on the other side of the curtain.  He let it numb his ears as he took a deep breath and followed Ashton out on stage.

   The show went great. He was happy.  Playing his music to people who wanted to hear it; seeing the words he’d written being sang back to him by hundreds of people, people that made it possible for him to live his dreams; it was hard to be anything else.  There was a small slip in Amnesia. Michael knew he shouldn’t watch Calum sing it, it could choke him up on his best days.  But he did. He watched as Calum’s tears stopped him from finishing the song, as Luke stepped up and covered for him. Michael brushed himself off. He hadn’t done anything wrong. It was just a really personal song; it always got to Calum a little. Granted, it was never so bad that he hadn’t been able to sing. But Michael refused to acknowledge the guilt creeping in his gut.

   They finished the show even more hyped than they had begun. They left the crowd screaming their names, begging for more. They all piled into the van waiting for them, laughing, still high from the rush of performing.

  “We’re going out to celebrate!” Ashton yelled.

     “What are we celebrating?” Luke laughed.

  “Being fucking ROCK GODS!” Ashton tilted his head back and howled until the rest of the boys joined in.

     “I’m in,” Luke declared.

   “I’m probably gonna go back to the hotel to unwind,” Michael said laughing at the identical pouts Luke and Ashton threw him.

  “Whatever,” Ashton turned to Calum. “At least we can always count on Cal being up for a night out.”

        “Actually I think I’m gonna turn in too,” Calum said avoiding Michael’s gaze.

  “Party poopers,” Ashton whined. “You’re not gonna back out on me are you?” He asked Luke.

     “Of course not!” Luke looked offended by the question.

  “Good,” Ashton smirked. He let it falter a bit when the van pulled up in front of their hotel. “If either of you need us, just call,” He waited until they’d replied before letting the driver pull off.

Michael headed off to the elevators, getting on and choosing to pay attention to his phone rather than Calum. He made it all the way to his room before Calum said anything.

       “We have to talk,” Calum croaked out.

Michael shrugged and let Calum follow him in.  He grabbed the remote and laid back on the bed trying to find a good show.

       “Could you stop for a second? Can you talk to me?” Calum huffed from the doorway.

   “What is there to talk about?” Michael asked, resentful that Calum wasn’t going to let it be.

       “Stop playing dumb,” Calum scowled.

   “Dumb? I’m playing dumb? How about you Calum? Haven’t you been playing dumb for weeks? Maybe even months?” Michael asked sitting up.

       “What the fuck are you talking about Michael?” Calum asked.

  “Ya know what, don’t worry about it.” Michael said turning off the TV.

       “Are you mad at me?” Calum asked timidly.

   “Of course I’m fucking mad at you,” Michael yelled finally realizing that he was mad at Calum, he was livid. “You fool around with me for months and then you ditch me and bring some random girl up to your hotel room.”

       “That’s not fair,” Calum shook his head slowly. “I was lonely and-”

   “Lonely?” Michael roared. “It’s not like we were both on tour,” he let out an empty laugh. “We were staying on the same fucking hotel floor. I was here! Am I not enough? How the hell are you lonely when I’m right here?” He didn’t realize he was crying until he was finished speaking.

       “It’s not enough,” Calum broke down. “It’s never been enough.”

   “Well fuck you, Calum.” Michael spat.

      “No, Michael. Just fucking you, it wasn’t enough. I fell in love with you, and knowing you wouldn’t feel the same way… I just didn’t want to fuck it all up. I didn’t want you to end this. I thought maybe if I fucked other people I could get over you. But I can’t. I couldn’t sleep with her. I couldn’t get off with that guy I tried to hookup with at that club a few weeks ago. I’m going out of my mind here, Michael. I don’t know what to do anymore?” He cute himself off with his own sobs, shoulders shaking with the intensity of it.

   “You complete idiot,” Michael said striding over to him, pulling him into a rough kiss.  It probably should’ve been more complicated than it was, both of them falling into it easily.

       “What are you-” Calum tried to ask. “Don’t do this if you don’t mean it.”

   “Shut up you idiot,” Michael demanded between kisses. “I’ve been in love with you since year six.”

       “Wait,” Calum pulled back a bit. “How did you last that long without telling me?”

   “Well I didn’t really know how serious it was,” Michael blushed.  “I thought I was just confused. And then I thought it was just a crush. I thought it’d go away.”

       “So when did you realize?” Calum asked.

   “Last night,” Michael mumbled.

       “I’m so sorry,” Calum whispered tearing up again.

   “Stop apologizing,” Michael begged. “Just be here now, with me.”

       “Alright,” Calum smiled leaning forward to press his lips to Michael’s again.

**********

Later that night Michael wrapped his arms around Calum, snuggling into his back. 

   “What are you thinking about?” Michael asked.

       “I'm thinking about how people fall in love in mysterious ways. Or like, realize it at the oddest times.” Calum yawned.

   “How did you realize you were in love with me?” Michael mumbled against his neck.

       “Well,” Calum coughed. “You can’t laugh at me.”

   “Of course I won’t,” Michael vowed.

       “It was backstage before a gig. You we’re doing that dance. The wibbly arm one? And you were wearing yelling something about being a dancing ninja turtle.  I just thought ‘He’s so fucking dumb, why am I in love with him’. And that was it. I had a freak out on stage that night but by the time we’d come back to the hotel room that night I’d come to terms with it.”

   “Oh my god,” Michael crowed. “You fell in love with my sick dance moves!”

      “I did not!” Calum defended himself. “You just don’t know how to listen. It took you being that much of a dweeb for me to realize than _in spite_ of that I still loved you.”

   “Whatever,” Michael chuckled.

       “Hey,” Calum whined. “You said you wouldn’t laugh.”

   “I’m sorry baby,” Michael held back more laughter. “I’ll make it up to you in the morning.”

       “You’d better,” Calum pouted.

   “I will,” Michael teased letting his hand brush over Calum’s still sensitive dick. 

       “Hey, play nice.” Calum reprimanded him. The next morning he’d forgotten to be mad about Michael’s teasing, when he woke up to find him under the cover, Michael’s mouth already on his dick. When he let an ‘I love you’ slip out as he came it was natural. Even though Michael would always tease him that the first time he said I love you was when Michael was sucking on his still sensitive cock, Calum wouldn’t ever regret it.


End file.
